


the ins and outs of fear

by malecsmidnight



Series: 3B inspired fics/codas [2]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: 3x10, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M, Malec, Post-Episode: s03e10 Erchomai, i guess, magnus bane - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-14
Updated: 2019-01-14
Packaged: 2019-10-10 08:39:59
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 813
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17422583
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/malecsmidnight/pseuds/malecsmidnight
Summary: nightmares were never an infequent occurrence for Magnus. they were a tool of torture, impossible scenes of horror (more so than reality) played on a loop through his head, his biggest insecurities twisted into stories that he can't escape.





	the ins and outs of fear

nightmares were never an infequent occurrence for Magnus. they were a tool of torture, impossible scenes of horror (more so than reality) played on a loop through his head, his biggest insecurities twisted into stories that he can't escape. still, over the years, they'd begun to diminish in intensity. and through the help of some magic and some self care, they became much less frequent.

now, however, they were back in full swing. Images of his Alexander burning right before his eyes- begging,begging Magnus to make it stop. but he can't, he has no magic. He tries to make it stop without it, but all he can seem to do is add to the flames, until the flames and screams stops, and the silence is deafening, and a laugh breaks out. His father's laugh. the same laugh that sounded as his essence was cruelly ripped from his body, the laugh of a demon. 

it's a great fear now. he once said 'the key to no fear, is having nothing to lose' and that remains true. he has nothing to lose now, nothing but Alexander, and his greatest fear is losing him. losing him to something immensly preventable with the help of magic- or losing him at all. he tried to blame his father, for taking his magic away, for making him vulnerable to the claws of fear once more, but deep down, he knew it was him. he's weak. he's feared this since the very moment he laid eyes on Alexander Lightwood and he's weak for it- taunted by nightmares and images of his love crying out for help as the cruel clutches of death wrap around him.

except, fear doesn't make you weak. that's what Ragnor once told him. 'on the contrary,' he had said, 'fear makes you stronger, because it makes you willing to fight. you’re scared of losing someone, so you’ll fight 10 times harder to make sure that never happens.’ magnus would always fight to make sure he didn’t lose Alec. or any of his friends for that matter, and maybe it was all down to fear, maybe he was so terrified of losing those he loved. or maybe it was just that- love. love makes you stronger, that he knew for certain.

his mind is a mess. he can’t separate his fear from his love and he can't decide the implications of his recent nightmares. it's become a sort of cycle, over the past few days. Magnus would spend a few hours writhing, willing his mind to just stop torturing him, then get up and make breakfast and pretend everything's fine even though it's so very far from it. he'd relive the moment his magic was ripped from him, relive the pain. he'd watch Alec die, over and over again, only to wake up to the bandage on his chest as a reminder how close he came to that becoming a reality, how close he came to being utterly useless in the face of his worst fear. then, he'd slap a smile on his face and avoid any questions that Alec would ask about his feelings or nightmares, because what good would it do to burden him with that?

there's a small voice in his head that says Alec wants to hear what's going on, that it'll help Magnus to understand his own head and begin to move on (if he can) and startlingly, he recognises it as Ragnor's. still, he pushes it away all the same. 

that afternoon, when Alec comes in the bedroom to see Magnus on the window seat, staring off into the skyline in deep thought, furrowed brow and downturned lips, he asks what's going on. Magnus fakes a smile and says nothing. Alec doesn't believe it.

that night, when Magnus wakes Alec up with a blood-curdling scream, shaking and crying, Alec scoops him into his arms, holding him and shushing him until his breaths even out and he shakes no more. and when Alec asks if he wanted to talk yet, Magnus thinks that he probably should. after all, his biggest fear is losing Alec, being useless in the face of losing Alec, but there would be no chance of him being in any way useful if he lost himself first- let himself be pulled into the dark side of his mind. so he shares, shares his fears and his love and everything seems a little lighter, because Alec says he's not going anywhere. he can't promise that, Magnus knows, but he feels lighter all the same, because Alec loves him and in his eyes, Magnus will never be useless.

fear will always be there, gnawing at you on a daily basis, its not a sign of weakness to fear, rather, the opposite. because having fear, means you have something to lose, and it takes courage to let yourself love that something.


End file.
